And we all need a good laugh sometimes!
This is why women should not take men shopping against
their will.
________
After Mr. and Mrs. Fenton retired, Mrs. Fenton insisted
her husband
accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart.
Unfortunately, Mr. Fenton was like most men--he found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.
Equally unfortunately, Mrs. Fenton was like most women--she loved to browse. One day Mrs. Fenton received the following letter from her local Wal-Mart.
Dear Mrs. Fenton,
Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may be forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints
against Mr. Fenton are listed below and! are do cumented by our video surveillance Cameras.
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in
people's carts when they weren't looking.
2 . July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at
5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to
the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
voice, "Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away."
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of
M&M's on layaway.
6. September 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a
carpeted area.
7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.
8. September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he
began crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me
alone?"
9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it
as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department,
he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while
loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his
"Madonna look"by using different sizes of funnels.
13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed
through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"
14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud
speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed "OH NO! IT'S
THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"
And last, but not least...
15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited
awhile, then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in
here!"
Regards,
Walmart
**********************
Don't ask a Mississippi grandma a question if you aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'
***********************
Curtain Rods
She spent the first day sadly packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down on the floor in the dining room by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay.
When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited
a few half-eaten shrimp and caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods. She replaced the end caps on the curtain rods, cleaned up the kitchen, and left.
When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything, cleaning, mopping, and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canister, during which they had to move out for a few days, and they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.
Nothing worked.
People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit. Finally, they could not take
the stench any longer and decided to move.
A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually, even the local Realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told her they were selling the house but did not tell the real reasons.!
She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back. Knowing his ex-wife had no idea about the smell, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been
worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork for her to sign.
A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home....... including the curtain rods.
--------------------------------------------------
Ways to Maintain A Healthy Level of Insanity.
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."
5. Put Decaf in the Coffee Maker for 3 Weeks Once Everyone has Gotten over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write " For Smuggling Diamonds"
7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy."
8 . Don't use any punctuation
9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."
12.. Sing Along At The Opera.
13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme?
14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day.
15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood.
16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.
17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"
18. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."
19. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity.......
Send This E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile. Its Called ....... therapy
Live Well, Laugh Often, Love Much
*************************
Sun Mar 16, 2008 8:56 pm